Warning: Trying to Pick Up 2 Girls At The Same Time May Hurt Your Back

I wanted to have some fun for Halloween, and since the past couple of Halloween’s have been a lot of fun, I decided to roll back to the town I just moved from to do Halloween up there.

I head up there and shoot over to Dr. Know It All‘s apartment.

We’re watching some football just chilling.  Last minute, no costumes when I put on my flannel shirt and old ball cap.

“You should just button the top button and leave the rest unbuttoned.”

“Why?”

“It looks more costume-y.”

“Um… okay.  I feel silly though.”

“Who cares if you feel silly?  It’s Halloween!”

“Good point.”  I only button my top button.

“I also got some goofy glasses you could wear…”

Next thing you know I’m borrowing goofy glasses and marti gras beads from Dr. Know It All.   I have no idea what I’m supposed to be, but at least it does look like I’m something at this point, and not just a guy without a costume.

Dr. Know It All throws on some goofy glasses, a fedora and scarf and we’re chilling on the couch drinking Four Loko’s when Frat Boy comes home from work.

He walks in the door, and instead of “What’s up Willy Wonka?  How have you been bro?”  The first thing he does is look at us and say…. “These fucking guys…”

“Who the fuck are y’all even supposed to be?”

“Who do we look like?”

“Y’all look like some assclowns.   Really, though, what are y’all supposed to be?”

“Shit, we’re still trying to figure that out.”

[Laughs]  ”Y’all are some fucking idiots.  That’s a very dude thing to do.  Girls actually go out and buy costumes and y’all dumbasses throw some shit together at the last fucking minute and call it a costume.”

“What are you going as, a car salesman?”  I try to make fun of him…

“No, I’m going as a retired frat boy.”

“So…. you’re yourself?   How original.”

“Fuck that I just got off work, I don’t give a shit about dressing up.”

“Alright bro, whatever..”

Italian Model shows up, we take some shots and then are about to head out.  While walking to the car, we see a figure coming over the hill towards us….

“Fucking Shuttlesworth….”

It’s now officially a reunion.

He’s wearing pajama pants…. “you coming out, bro?”

“Naw, not tonight.”

“Oh, you already got some pussy waiting on you at the crib, huh?”

He laughs….

We shake his hand and leave him behind and head downtown.

It’s packed with people in all kinds of random costumes.

I see three cute girls standing around and head up to them and open them.  Chat them up for a bit and Dr. Know It All comes over and starts talking to them.  He focuses on one, but I’m still talking to the other two.   He gets the chick’s number.  I don’t because my dumbass couldn’t choose which one I wanted out of the two… lol

We move around.

We open some more chicks, fuck around, do whatever.

Then we see some girls we know from college.  Well, kind of…

One of them is dressed as a maid, the other is a corrections officer.

I run up on them and try to pick them both up at the same time.  Unsuccessfully.

I get the one I pick up in my right hand (the maid) lifted off of the ground, but not the officer who I have in my left hand.  I think I hurt my back trying to do that too.  I set the maid down and then use both arms to pick up the corrections officer…  she’s laughing… “oh my gosh, I have to pee!”

Dr. Know It All, Frat Boy and I have all tried to fuck with the maid at some point in time.  The corrections officer I actually don’t know too well, but we are facebook friends.   It takes her awhile to remember me… in the middle of our conversation, she stops, “oh, you’re Willy Wonka, right?”

“You just now remembered who I was…”

“Yeah, it took me awhile.  We’re facebook friends!”

Smh…  I actually still remember that.   Freshman year, when facebook was still new, she added me as a friend, although we didn’t even know each other.   I accepted cuz… why not?  Then, I saw her in the cafeteria one day shortly after and she said, “Hey facebook friend!”   Other than that, I don’t think I’ve ever talked to her or seen her around since….

I take a couple pictures with her grabbing my chest and just being all over me, then we leave them and move around.

We find Frat Boy and Italian Model again.   “Did y’all get their numbers?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know.”

Then, I see another chick wearing the same maid costume… “Is that [the maid from earlier]?”  I ask Frat Boy, even though I already knew the answer.

“Naw, bro.”   Too late, I’m already walking over there.

“I’ve seen this costume already tonight, you’re not very original are you?”

“Oh yeah.  She can’t wear it like me though?  I’m the best maid out there!”

“Oh for real.  You should come clean my apartment then…”

“Umm… no?  What are you supposed to be anyway?”

Dr. Know It All comes over and talks to her friend – the fat nurse.  Take one for the team bro!  Lol, I should probably stop opening girls with ugly friends and making my wingmen jump on grenades for me…. but, oh well…

I eventually get bored with this chick and decide to just ask her for her number for the hell of it….

“You didn’t even ask me if I have a boyfriend first.”

“What the hell does that have to do with anything?  I’m only in town for tonight.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

I just look at her and hand her my phone.    She puts her number in…

We move around…  Dr. Know It All and I wind up losing Frat Boy and Italian Model again.

Next thing you know, we lose each other too.  I start looking around for him, but then decide fuck it, and go back to opening chicks.

I open up some real cute chick… and get her number.  I called her from my phone, but I forgot her name.  I also forgot what she looked like..she was wearing something red I think… don’t remember what she was though, but she was real fucking cute, I do remember that.

Then, I run into the maid and corrections officer from earlier.  They’re standing around on the corner.

“What the hell are y’all doing?”

“She was hungry.”   I didn’t even realize the corrections officer was eating a hotdog until the maid told me “she was hungry.”

“Oh, you’re hungry, Officer Ricky?”  They both laugh.

“Yes, I was”  she says and takes a big bite of her hot dog.

“Fuck your hot dog!”  I say and slap the wrist of the hand she’s holding the hot dog in.   Yeah, I don’t know why either… lol

An onion falls off her hot dog and lands on my wrist.   “Look at you, dropping onions on me…” I say and steal her napkin..

“You just stole my napkin!!!”

“Tough luck…. I’m going in here and getting a beer.”

I leave, go in the closest bar and buy a beer.

The bars close and I’m stumbling around looking for my boys.   They’re texting me what street corner their on, I’m texting them where I am.  Eventually, they say, “just come to the car”

40 minutes later I find my way to the car…

“We were about to leave you bro…”

I text a few chicks I know and the two new numbers I got tonight and say… “Where’s the after party at?”

The only chick that responds is the maid who had the fat nurse as a friend… “Lol… idk”

I respond back “Smh…” and leave it at that.

I’m also texting this other young chick I know who was supposed to meet us downtown with her friends, but we never ran into her.

I tell her to come over and chill with us.  She responds..  ”I’m not the one driving…”

30 minutes later, I write back.. “Y’all wack…”

She writes back, “No we’re not hoes…”

“Who said anything about some hoes?”

She writes back, “Willy Wonka, I’ve known you for awhile and you don’t fuck with nobody unless they’re hoes”

Whatever.  My boys and I pop open the champagne and drink till we pass out.