My Life: Too Much Betaness

Culdcept  had a post the other day about his early experiences with women, and what’s funny is I was already thinking about mine and thinking about writing a post like this, but after reading his post, it made me delve even deeper.

I almost feel like I had some natural alphaness that I let slip away at some point.  I remember in preschool, I went up to the cutest girl in my class and told her she was mine and we were going to get married.  We would hang out, never kissed or anything, and it was probably more chasing on my part than it was mutual, but what other preschool kids were approaching the cutest girl in the class?  None that I knew of.

Then, in first grade, there was this girl I would hang out with all of the time.  I would go over her house after school, she would come over mine.  I was the first guy in my elementary school to have a girlfriend, kiss a girl and even see her naked.  Yes, when we were over her house one day, we we playing around in her parents bedroom and she got naked.  I had never seen a naked girl before, but I figured I’d return the favor, so I pulled my penis out to let her see.  She smiled.  Obvsiously, this was first grade, so I wasn’t interested in sex or escalating or anything of the sort.  I was a proud man just to have seen a vagina up close.

She moved away after first grade, to Massachuettes or New Hampshire or some place far like that.  (What’s even more hilarious, is she supposedly went to college with me, same school, same year, but I never once saw her, met her or talked to her.  My mother was the one that told me she went to school with me.  I tried to find her on Facebook a couple of times, but nothing ever came up.  I haven’t seen or spoken to her since 1st grade.)

I don’t remember other guys being interested in girls or talking to or about girls too much in elementary school, but the next event that stands out to me was in 4th grade.  I was absent from school one day because I was sick or something, but then when I got back the next day, I remember my friends telling me that this girl in our class said I was cute the other day at recess.  ”So-and-so likes you, she thinks your cute.”   It wasn’t just like that though, they actually made fun of me and gave me a hard time about it.  I denied it, “no she doesn’t, I’m not cute.  She doesn’t like me.”  I really didn’t want her to like me, so I came up with a plan.  One day I picked my nose right in front of her and tried to hand her my booger, it was an attempt to gross her out, so she wouldn’t like me anymore.  I think it worked.

Only, next year in 5th grade, I would live to regret it.

5th grade was the year girls starting growing breasts.  I remember me and my friends talking about which girls in our class were growing breasts, which girls were attractive.  We even started talking about sex for the first time.  I even read about it in an encyclopedia, to which I tried to share my knowledge with my friends at lunch, “yeah, I think once you’re inside you’re supposed to pee in her.”   “No!” one of my friends said, “you don’t pee in her!  Something else comes out, but it’s not pee!”  I was confused… what else could possibly come out of my penis besides pee?

5th grade was also the year girls starting going for the “bad boys”.  I hung around the “bad boys”.  One of my best friends in 5th grade was already selling weed and cocaine, and he had a pager, a gun under his mattress, and he would bring black markers to school and write graffiti on the bathroom walls in the bathroom.  He would also bring Playboy magazines to school in his backpack and we would all gather around his locker after school to get our glances of Anna Nicole Smith.  I hung out with him all of the time, but I never got involved with the drugs or anything.  I was too good and I was too scared of what my parents would do if they found out.

Now, the girl who I grossed out by picking my nose in front of her so she wouldn’t like me anymore was blossoming.  She was growing breasts, and I thought she was beautiful now.  I went after her.  Got her phone number and talked to her on the phone a lot, but when I asked her out, she made me wait a week for her answer, which was eventually a “no”, and she wound up dating my friend, the “bad boy.”

Him and I remained good friends, but I didn’t get over it quickly.  There were other cute girls in my school in 5th grade, but I didn’t want any of them.  I wanted her, and I couldn’t have her.  (She would later go on to get pregnant and have a baby by the time we were in 7th grade, and to my knowledge no one has really heard from her since…)

The rejection hurt.  And it stuck with me.

The next year I went to another school on the other side of town for middle school and made new friends.  In 6th grade, I developed a crush on a girl that rode my bus.  She was a 7th grader.  6th graders sat in the front of the bus and 7th and 8th graders sat in the back.  I befriended her and one day we were walking to the bus together, so I just naturally walked to the back with her and sat down in the seat with her.  We were sitting there talking when some of the 8th grade guys got on the bus, “what the fuck is this 6th grader doing sitting back here?”  She took up for me, “no, he’s cool, he’s with me”, and I became the first 6th grader to successfully sit in the back of the bus.  I also wound up befriended all of the 7th and 8th graders and sitting back there and hanging out with them more often.

I never made move though.  I was in the friend zone with her.  I don’t know if she knew I had a crush on her or not.  I never even got her phone number or anything.  She would do weird shit though, like try to get me to drink out of her soda that she was drinking or try to get me to chew the gum she had been chewing.  I always turned shit like that down because it seemed weird to me.  One day, she walked up and kissed me on the hand in front of my friends.  It felt big at the time, but I actually didn’t know if it meant anything.  Towards the end of the school year, she introduced me to her best friend who was also cute and she started to ride our bus as well.  On the last day of school, we were having a shaving cream fight/party on the bus and the best friend came over to me, sat next me, kissed me on the cheek an ran off.  I never inquired or tried anything.

I was too shy to talk to girls I liked.  Too nervous, too beta.  I never went for it.  I befriended a guy in 6th grade that reminded me somewhat of my “bad boy” friend from elementary school.  He was El Salvadorian, and he would have a new girlfriend every week, always the cute ones too.  It was amazing to see him get girls and see how they would react around him.  I didn’t understand it.  I wanted to have it like that, but I was too scared to approach and ask these girls out, too scared of rejection, so I did nothing.  He got expelled in 7th grade for pulling a knife out on a group of guys who were trying to jump him and I haven’t seen or heard from him since….

Then, there was this one skinny girl, she was kind of cute too, who was a little more aggressive with me.  She would sit down next to me at lunch and tell me I was cute.  I even got her to buy me food a couple of times.  She grabbed my dick once, too.  But, I was still always nervous around her, and never really talked to her too much.  Even when she did sit next to me at lunch, I would talk to everybody else at the table.  I never really even got to know anything about her.

Then, in 8th grade, there was Tig Ol Bitties, who I mentioned in my post about Crushes.  Again, I had a crush on her all year, but never told her or said anything to her and missed my chance with her.  This trend continued in high school, where I would have a crush on a girl, then overhear her talking about “some guy” she had a crush on or something to her friends, and then I wouldn’t approach her or do anything.

I was officially beta.

I probably actually “tried” to ask out three girls total during high school.  They all rejected me, but I had no game with them.  It was usually just me asking them would they be my girlfriend, and them usually asking for some time to think about it, and then letting me down easy, with some silly reason.

There were plenty of girls I liked in high school, and definitely some that liked me as well.

But, most of the time, I never really acted on it, or did anything with any of them.

I dated one of my friend’s cousins in 11th grade.  Only because she told me she “liked me.”

She wanted to have sex with me, but I never set anything up.  I never even kissed her.  She kissed me on the cheek once and she would write me love letters and have her friends come and give them to me during class.  Her and her friends would even come out to see me at track practice occasionally and cheer for me.  That made all of my track friends laugh.  ”There goes the Willy Wonka fan club again.”  Like, I said though, nothing ever really happened with her and our relationship only lasted maybe 2 months.

Then, senior year came and I realized I hadn’t been successful with girls at all yet, so I decided to do something about it.  I decided to go after one of the finest, most popular girls in school.  Yep, PromQueen was the one girl in high school I really made an attempt to go after, but in the end I still didn’t get her.  We went on a few dates and talked on the phone a lot, but she was #3 in the number above that when I asked her out, she had excuses for why not.

Then, high school ended with me actually trying to approach.  I knew I wanted to go into college being comfortable approaching women and shit, so, during my last semester of high school, I got on it.  Somewhat.

The last semester of my senior year I only went to school every other day, because I had most of my credits taken care of.  So, I’d hit the mall and approach.  I was 17, 18, approaching 23, 24 year old women and occasionally getting phone numbers.   None of them went anywhere though.

Then, right after graduation, there was a party.  A girl from my high school was throwing a birthday party, a pool party at her house.  My friend make a joke in the car, about how “we could go to this party and leave with like 20 different phone numbers.”  Okay then, that was my goal.  I approached every cute chick at the party and I left at the end of the night with 11 different phone numbers.  I called most of them over the course of the next week, and really started hitting it off when one of the girls.  I was working 50-60 hour weeks at my job that summer, doing construction, but when I would spend a lot of my nights on the phone with her over the course of the next few weeks.  Then, I set up a date for her and I to go out to the movies…

She flaked.

She called me the next day and said we “should reschedule” and “do it another time” or something, but at that point, I had never really been flaked on before, so I was done with her as far as I was concerned.

I never spoke to her or heard from her again.

And, at the end of the summer, I was off to college…..